The Handbook of Central 46
by DreamerAngel17
Summary: This set of rules has been written from observation of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads and shall be held as such, no matter the situation. We don't care what the creepy guy outside your barracks tells you.
1. Foreword

Disclaimer-I do not own Bleach, nor do I make any profit from it. I'm just borrowing Kubo Tite-san's characters for a while for a little fun. I'll have them back before curfew.

AN: I hope you all enjoy my random lieutenant Shihoin that I threw in the mix. She will be mentioned in the rulebook :)

AAN: And one more thing, this is before Aizen, Tousen and Ichimaru left. So at the moment they're 'good guys.'

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

_Foreword_

If you are reading this paragraph at this moment, you have taken the time to read and comprehend the summary of this rulebook. We thank you for your time and interest in this manual.

If you are a captain reading this, then you have no business delving into this book. A captain's manual is in works as of right now and it will cover all of the necessary behavior of your rank.

If you are a lieutenant reading this, no you have not fallen into an alternate reality, nor is this the work of Captain Aizen's zanpakuto, Kyoka Suigetsu. You all received this book at last week's joint meeting and were expected to read it, no excuses.

_Yes, you were expected to **read. **This whole book as a matter of fact._

As stated in the first paragraph on the first page, this handbook is solely for the purpose of correcting the irrational and negative behavior of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. In no way, shape, or form should this handbook be seen as _humorous _or taken _lightly_.

That means stop laughing Hisagi.

The rules laid out in this handbook are based on the day-to-day observations of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. This handbook, or manual as it may be called, will be updated when ludicrous and/or erratic conduct is performed. This handbook will also be edited/checked by Head Captain Yamamoto when first drafted, as to add his input.

This manual shall concern the actions of the following lieutenants:

_-**Omaeda Marechiyo**_: Squad Two lieutenant

-_**Kira Izuru**_: Squad Three lieutenant

-_**Kotetsu Isane**_: Squad Four lieutenant

-_**Hinamori Momo**_: Squad Five lieutenant

-_**Abarai Renji**_: Squad Six lieutenant

-_**Iba Tetsuzaemon**_: Squad Seven lieutenant

-_**Ise Nanao**_: Squad Eight lieutenant

-_**Hisagi Shuhei**_: Squad Nine lieutenant

-_**Matsumoto Rangiku**_: Squad Ten lieutenant

-_**Kusajishi Yachiru**_: Squad Eleven lieutenant

-_**Kurotsuchi Nemu**_: Squad Twelve lieutenant

-_**Shihoin Mahiru**_: Squad Thirteen lieutenant

The language in this manual shall be upfront, direct and accurate. Our words will not be misconstrued, but if this results, shall be explained on request. Titles such as _'captain' _and _'taicho'_, _'lieutenant' _and _'fukutaicho'_ are interchangeable and will be used in place of each other.

Hisagi, stop all that snickering and Iba, put your shirt back on.

If there are any questions/comments regarding the information inside this handbook, they should be directed to Sasakibe-fukutaicho (_perfect example of title changing)_, seeing as he is the only lieutenant with commendable behavior. He is now in charge of the commentary status of this book, since he is a second seat in his own right. Now, read this book and take insight of what is expected of you lieutenants as the second-in-command of your squads.

Put that notebook down Kira…..


	2. Page One

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here.

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

1_)_ Lieutenant Hisagi, we know you like the guitar that you found in the world of the living, but if you play_ that_ song again, we _will _confiscate it.

2) Lieutenant Kira, dressing in all black does not make you a ninja.

3) Lieutenant Abarai, threatening to pull a stick out of Captain Kuchiki's personal area is prohibited. If it's there, it's there for a reason.

4) Lieutenant Kotetsu, using Captain Unohana as a threat to control your Squad 11 patients is prohibited. Even if it does work.

5) Lieutenant Kira, we can still see you.

6) Lieutenant Matsumoto, bribing Captain Kyoraku with sake is prohibited at all times. Do you know how hard it is to get him to work?

7) Lieutenant Iba, disregarding Lieutenant Ise's orders will only provoke her wrath. And this time, we won't intervene.

8) Lieutenant Kusajishi, falsely alerting your captain of the substitute soul reaper Ichigo Kurosaki's presence is strictly prohibited. Your barracks were just repaired last week.

9) Exclaiming your sexual tendencies/preferences in the center courtyard is prohibited.

10) Under no circumstances, are any of the lieutenants of the 13 Court Guard Squads allowed in the center courtyard unclothed.

11) 'Boxers or Briefs?' is not an appropriate question during joint meetings.

12) Lieutenants Matsumoto and Shihoin, please stop referring to Captain Ukitake as your 'Sex God Ultimatum'.

13) Lieutenant Abarai, if you choose to walk around your barracks half naked, please wear pants. Your female subordinates have work to do.

14) Lieutenant Omeada, no one wants to date your sisters. Especially if they look like you.

15) Telling your subordinates that Captain Soi Fon is a transvestite will get you murdered.

16) Lieutenant Iba, you are not too sexy for your shirt. Please put it back on.

17) Neither are you Lieutenant Hisagi.

18) In no way, shape, or form is stripping deemed necessary interrogation tactics.

19) Telling your subordinates that Captain Komamura likes to be rubbed behind the ears is inappropriate.

20) Telling your subordinates that dressing in all black makes them ninjas is not allowed. Those rookies had just graduated from the academy.

21) The Stealth Force is not a group of rogue Naruto ninjas. Stop spreading that slander.

22) Lieutenant Kira, we can still see you.

23) Adding 'That's what she said' after every other sentence is prohibited. Even if that _is _what she said.

24) Lieutenant Shihoin, please do not distract Captain Kyoraku with pictures of Lieutenant Ise. It's hard enough to get him to do work as it is.

25) Spray painting, 'The fishsticks are coming' on Lieutenant Kotetsu's door is not funny. It makes her paranoid.

26) Senbonzakura should never, in any way, shape, or form, be used to cut hair. That was only a joke Hisagi.

27) Lieutenant Kotetsu, nobody's watching you.

28) Soul Reapers are not entitled to maternity leave.

29) Kicking enemies into large craters does not eradicate them, even if it _is_ called the Pit of Death.

30) When asked a question, 'Deez Nuts' is not an appropriate response.

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AN: Those lieutenants sure are busy, aren't they? Feedback would be appreciated. Thank you :)


	3. Page Two

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here.

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

31) All female lieutenants, yaoi is not tolerated during work hours. So please release your male co-workers from those locked closets and wake up Lieutenant Hinamori.

32) When turning in submission forms, they should state _information, _not **(insert name of male shinigami) **_looks better on the bottom_.

33) Head Captain Yamamoto is _not _Santa Claus's bad-ass twin brother.

34) Lieutenant Omaeda, no one wants to 'lick your lollipop'.

35) We don't care if teenagers in the world of the living are doing it, _do not _bring that plant near the Seireitei again.

36) Captain Ukitake is not a sugar daddy.

37) Graffiti of any kind, including stick figures, is no longer allowed in the Seireitei. Yes Lieutenant Hinamori, we knew what that picture meant.

38) If the word 'illegal' is in the title, you are not allowed to do it.

39) Yes Shihoin, _illegal _contraband is included in rule 38.

40) Central 46 is not just a group of pricks with items in our anal regions. We're the pricks that have to make sure you lieutenants don't blow up the Seireitei. Again.

41) Stop opening and closing the Senkaimon. You're letting in unwanted ryoka.

42) You are not allowed to leave your office to buy tickets to a concert in the world of the living. We don't care who's performing.

43) Nor are you allowed to scalp the tickets you bought here in the Seireitei.

44) Lieutenant Ise, where's Lieutenant Iba?

45) All female lieutenants, openly discussing your opinions on your captain's personal appearance is banned. Shunsui loves to eavesdrop.

46) Jutsu of any kind is banned from Seireitei.

47) Lieutenant Matsumoto, it would be greatly appreciated if you didn't organize streaking parties during meetings. Last year was enough for us.

48) Stop telling the new recruits that Freddy Kruger exists. They won't go near their respective barracks.

49) Put that notebook down Hisagi, we're not that kind of shinigami.

50) Lieutenant Hinamori, we know it was you who dismembered that guy last week. We need you to go clean it up.

51) Captain Kuchiki was not pleased with that picture Lieutenant Abarai.

52) Acts of mindless violence are not permitted in the main courtyard.

53) Yes Lieutenant Kotetsu, if you eat a sucker like _that_, people _will _start to wonder things about you.

54) Hinamori, dismembering people is mindless violence.

55) Captain Komamura does not need to be housebroken.

56) If the substance is illegal in the world of the living, it's illegal in the Seireitei.

57) Lieutenant Shihoin, how did you get illegal contraband?

58) Do not release your zanpakuto during food fights; it's too dangerous.

59) Do not start/initiate/encourage food fights.

60) Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, for the sake of whatever sanity we have left, do **not **do that again.

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AN: This handbook is starting to get a little bit weird.....


	4. Page Three

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here.

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

61) None of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads are allowed to auction off their captains for unbelievably low prices.

62) Rave parties in your training grounds are not permitted.

63) Bunny ranches do not exist in the Soul Society. Do NOT think about starting one.

64) Stop blaming it on the alcohol.

65) Konoha, or whatever that place is called, does not exist in the Soul Society.

66) Please stop sacrificing graduates from the academy to the gods of Rukongai. That is not an appropriate initiation to the Thirteen Court Guard Squads.

67) No, there are no gods of Rukongai.

68) Captain Kurotsuchi is not a generic mad scientist hell-bent on taking down the Seireitei from the inside out. If he was, you are to report it to us, not the creepy guy outside your barracks.

69) Sexual exploits are not to be explained on the walls of the male/female bathroom stalls. We don't care how bad it was.

70) While the idea of giving each captain their own theme song is creative, none of the lieutenants of the 13 Court Guard Squads are allowed to choose said songs. We don't trust any of you.

71) Why are all of you so violent?

72) Unless you are the second seat of Squad 11, none of you are allowed in their barracks unsupervised by someone sane.

73) When the warning 'Don't try this at home' comes up, don't try it anywhere at any time. Nor does it mean you should try it on your new recruits in your squad's training grounds.

74) Tapioca pudding is banned from the Seireitei. We _needed _that department.

75) It is a proven fact that humans in the world of the living with low spiritual pressure can't see soul reapers. Using this to your advantage and tripping them is not funny.

76) Once again to all female lieutenants, yaoi is not tolerated during work hours. Stop drawing those pictures of the captains and return to your paperwork.

77) Taping your paperwork to some poor soul and chasing it around with your zanpakuto is prohibited.

78) Central 46 is not a secret group of well trained demon ninja arrancars threatening to enslave all soul reapers. If we were, you all would be the first to go.

79) Science fiction of any kind is banned from Seireitei.

80) All male lieutenants, yuri is not tolerated during work hours. No, we don't want to know why you all have those chains.

81) Hollows are not disgruntled virgins looking for someone to bone. Stop telling the recruits that.

82) Stop telling the recruits false information. We're losing them faster than we can replace them.

83) Omaeda, stop telling people your full name. Face it, no one will be able to pronounce it.

84) None of you are allowed in Squad 3's barracks without permission. Captain Ichimaru is already a bum as it is.

85) Alchemy is prohibited and banned from the Seireitei.


	5. Page Four

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here. Ha. It shall stay as long as it makes people smile (: smiley face :)

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

86) If you're going to do it, please come up with a better excuse than 'I did it for the hood.'

87) If it looks like a woman but sounds like a man, don't question it. Whatever you do, don't question it.

88) Godzilla is not in the Seireitei or Soul Society.

89) Godzilla is not a bad-ass, momma-slapping, puppy-kicking hollow that no one can defeat nor does it exist. Do not tell Captain Zaraki that again.

90) Fuzzy handcuffs are _**forever banned **_from the Seireitei.

91) Joint-meetings are when lieutenants accompany their captains to the meetings that Head Captain Yamamoto calls. They are _not _meetings where you can get high.

92) The word 'confuzzled' is banned. No, it's not cute.

93) If you get arrested in the world of the living, we're not sending someone to bail you out.

94) Just don't drop the soap.

95) Hollows do not molest people, Kira.

96) Leash laws do not exist in the Seireitei. And reporting Captain Komamura as a repeat offender of this crime is not funny.

97) None of you are eligible to join Squad Zero. We don't care what the creepy guy outside your barracks told you.

98) Why do any of you listen to the creepy guy outside your barracks?

99) None of you have permission to re-enact the human movie '300'. The reason? Because we said so.

100) And we know that you'll just slaughter your new recruits and blame it on Squad 11.

101) The only lieutenant with commendable behavior is Chojiro Sasakibe. You all should follow in his footsteps.

102) All lieutenants are banned from the Department of Research and Development's labs. Yes, _all _of them. Yes, _all _of you.

103) You all will never be able to make us an offer we can't refuse. Whatever you have, we don't want.

104) All lieutenants who are members of the Shinigami Men's Association, please leave Captain Kuchiki alone.

105) There are no orders to shoot substitute soul reaper Ichigo Kurosaki on sight.

106) From now on, all objects brought in from the world of the living shall be checked and screen by Central 46.

107) We don't even want to know what that is Kusajishi.

108) If it's dead, don't poke it with a stick. If you're wondering why it's dead, you probably killed it.

109) Seriously, why are any of you listening to the creepy guy outside your barracks? You should have reported him by now.

110) Deodorant is not an aphrodisiac.

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AN: If you like this handbook, tell your friends about it. Maybe they can get a laugh or two.. :)


	6. Page Five

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here. Oh, and if any of you have seen the movie, 'Beowulf', you'll understand Rule 123.

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

111) Hollows do not rape people, Kira.

112) Stop stalking Captain Aizen. _All of you._

113) You all really need to stop killing all of your new recruits.

114) Rule 38 has not been revoked.

115) Fanfiction is banned from all of the barracks of the Gotei 13.

116) The topic 'If a soul reaper sells their soul, do they sell themselves?' is hereby banned. Apparently, you all can't have a descent conversation without mentioning sex.

117) Didn't we say stop blaming it on the alcohol?

118) Hisagi, stop searching the record books for someone named 'L'.

119) All male lieutenants, we saw that list you all passed around last week. We're sure that Isane Kotetsu will not put that there.

120) No, that's _not_ what she said.

121) Where _is _Lieutenant Iba?

122) 'Soaking Wet Shihahakusho Saturdays' is prohibited in the Seireitei. The Stealth force is still looking for the 2nd thru 8th divisions' third seats.

123) None of you are the slasher, the ripper, the slicer, or the gouger. None of you are the teeth in the darkness, the talons in the night. None of you are Beowulf.

124) No, this is not Sparta.

125) Hazing academy students and calling it Freshman Friday is not acceptable. Especially when it's on a Monday.

126) None of you have the authority to smite people. Stop listening to that bum Ichimaru.

127) Captain Ichimaru does not have the authority to issue smiting power.

128) Is there a creepy guy outside all of you barracks or just one?

129) Captain Tousen can see you Kira.

130) Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, although your lesson to the recruits on safe sex is appreciated, your banana presentation has now been banned. That was more than we needed to know.

131) None of you are allowed to banish people. That's our job.

132) Kira, besides your shihahakusho, you are no longer allowed to wear all black clothing.

133) While we respect some of your cross-dressing tendencies, we'd prefer if you all didn't do it in front of your subordinates.

134) Kurotsuchi, your book on 'How to kill a Hollow with Suntan lotion, a Mirror and Sugar' is very insightful, but due to its very **graphic** nature, we can't allow it to be sold. Do you know how many people you would traumatize?

135) Hinamori, whatever song you were singing the other day is now banned. We don't even need to know what it's about.


	7. Interlude

Disclaimer-I do not own Bleach, nor do I make any profit from it. I'm just borrowing Kubo Tite-san's characters for a while for a little fun. I'll have them back before curfew.

AN: I hope you all enjoy my random lieutenant Shihoin that I threw in the mix.

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

_Interlude_

This is a service announcement.

It has come to our attention (several times) that a man of unknown origins is stalking out the barracks of the Gotei 13. All of the barracks.

We do not know what the man's intentions are or even what he looks like, but he is considered a threat. He has advised the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads many a time on matters of the law, and for such actions, must be caught.

All seated and unseated shinigami should be on the look-out for a suspicious looking man hiding himself within the shadows of the Thirteen Court Guard Squad barracks. If you are approached by this man, do not engage him in any sort of combat, as we don't know what he is capable of, or if he is even a shinigami.

Captains should definitely be aware of this entity, since it is _their_ second seats who are associated with this person. Keep a look-out around your respective barracks at night, and change guard every other hour.

Whoever this man is, he shall be caught.

As for the lieutenants, all contact with this man must be cut off. This means no more council for ill matters, no more shopping for illegal contraband (Shihoin) and no more sneaking out of the Seireitei at odd hours in the night.

_Didn't think we knew about that, did you?_

Any information regarding this man shall be reported to your respective captains when available and they shall be kept updated on the man's status. His whereabouts should be recorded and tracked.

All this popularity he has amassed shall be downsized and no, we don't care what you think about it. We will not give him a contract to start his own advice column in the Seireitei newsletter. If he was that good, why won't you all recruit him to the academy?

And if he is so creepy, why do any of you associate yourselves with him?

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AN: You know, I believe I'm starting to take a liking to the creepy guy. Anybody else feel that way?


	8. Page Six

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here; I just don't own her name.

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

136) It is a shame that we have made it to rule number 136.

137) Abarai, Kuchiki-taicho didn't appreciate the '3PIC PH4IL' spray painted on your barracks yesterday.

138) Yamamoto-soutaicho is _not _Father Time's rebellious biker son.

139) Rap music is banned from the Seireitei. You already know why Hinamori.

140) Stop teaching people how to stunt.

141) Stop looking at the man in the mirror. He doesn't want to see you.

142) Iba, stop bringing sexy back. That was more than we could handle.

143) Hisagi, Kuchiki-taicho would appreciate it if you would stop sicking your 'fangirls' on Abarai-fukutaicho, as they are destructive and don't know which '_ZOMG! UBER SMEXY BISHIE!_' to attack.

144) Stop threatening to use Iron Reaver Soul Stealer on your recruits' faces.

145) We haven't heard about the creepy old man. What happened to him?

146) Matsumoto, if he hasn't put a ring on it yet, then that must be a sign. So stop singing banned music.

147) But if you are going to sing sober, at least _try _to be on key.

148) The Seireitei is not a tourist attraction and setting up

149) No, we will not 'respect your conglomerate' Kira. What did we say about rap music?

150) Ise-fukutaicho, we'd appreciate it if your subordinates didn't defecate in their pants everytime someone says your name.

151) When releasing your zanpakuto, stop yelling _'ULTRA SUPER SEXY COPYRIGHTED TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE!' _No one would dare take you seriously after hearing that.

152) Nor are you to replace that ridiculous yell with, '_OH YEAH! I'M COMING! AND IT'S GONNA BE NASTY!'_

153) Ise, please try to keep your temper in check. We can't afford to replace your captain at the moment.

154) Making sexual advances to your superiors just to get out of a task is just pathetic. Especially if they incude Kurotsuchi-taicho.

155) Don't ask Hitsugaya-taicho to release his zanpakuto just so you can get a snow day.

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AN: A thousand apologies for the late update! My rule-plot bunnies went on vacation, so I was stuck at my computer failing epically at this handbook. And if you were wondering, Hinamori was singing this song called 'Becky' by Plies. Look it up if you're unfamiliar with it. It's a really dirty song -_-

AN2: Prepare for an interlude with : THE CREEPY OLD GUY FROM BEHIND THE BARRACKS! But alas, who shall he visit first...?


	9. Page Seven

This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary.

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here.

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

156) Painting on fake battle wounds and pretending to die won't get you out of your duties as a lieutenant, nor will it fool anybody. Especially if we can see the paint tubes scattered at your feet.

157) Kotetsu, no one cares about your superior l33t skills.

158) Stop using that weird language from the world of the living. There's nothing more annoying than looking through a mission report and seeing 'Z_omg! That hollow fight was a major 3PIC PH4IL, since I couldn't even use my badass bankai and ish. Smh. We still kicked ass though, real talk. Soul reapers FTW!_

159) The suffix -izzle, is hereby banned from Seireitei. So no Shihoin, you can't say '_Fo shizzle my nizzle where the hizzle at?' _

160) The saying that you all have come with 'When in doubt, blame the alcohol' has been banned. You all know that alcohol is not the reason for why you do the things you do.

161) Once again, stop stalking Aizen-taicho. He is not apart of one of your conspiracy theories.

162) Hole punchers are to stay 500 yards away from Ichimaru-taicho at all times. We don't need a repeat of his induction ceremony.

163) Omaeda, don't encourage wild and crazy mud wrestling cat fights between Kotetsu-fukutaicho and Matsumoto-fukutaicho.

164) And stop charging those exorbitant prices at the door…

165) Cosplaying conventions shall not take place in the main courtyard. We're still trying to clean up from that fight between those blonde fox demons and avenging emo people.

166) Female lieutenants, stop exclaiming your fictional literary crushes out to the world. They do not exist here in the Seireitei so leave it be.

167) Matsumoto and Shihoin, stop trying to convince Ukitake-taicho to pose for the centerfold of _'Sexy Seireitei: Ladies' Night_.

168) Kira, stop trying to auction your taicho off as a sex slave.

169)You should've already known not to stand _that _close to Kurotsuchi-taicho, Abarai.

170) The show from the world of the living called 'South Park' is banned from the Seireitei in every way, shape and form.

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AN: I have decided to put myself on a schedule and now this story shall be updated monthly, not whenever. But I'll add something at the end of the month called 'A Creepy Guy Interlude.' Stay with me for that one :)


	10. Page Eight

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This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary.

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here. Sadly I only own her existence (or lack thereof) and not her name.

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

171) No Omaeda, we will not 'respect your authoritay'.

172) Hisagi, why do the Shihoin elders want to buy you?

173) Stop taking recruits to the 'secret' places where you meet that creepy guy behind your barracks.

174) Kira, stop informing Kuchiki-taicho on his potentiality to become 'the greatest cross-dresser this side of Seireitei'. If we have to send the Stealth Force to your barracks again…

175) You gave Kusajishi-fukutaicho the sweets Hisagi and now you have to reap the rewards.

176) And the souls that she's destroyed.

177) Stop using song lyrics as excuses for why you can't function properly in society.

178) We told you not to stand so close to Kurotsuchi-taicho Abarai. It's not our fault he's standing outside your window at night.

179) Whoever had the idea to drop Shihoin Yoruichi from the Academy's rooftop to see if she would land on her feet is in deep trouble. _You have ten seconds and counting…_

180) Stop performing strip teases in the main courtyard.

181) No more lemonade orgies in the main courtyard.

182) Mahiru, where's Jyuushiro?

183) The Seireitei is not an ultimate no-holds-bar showdown arena where performing fatalities on subordinates gets you promoted. Whoever told Squad 11 that will have some serious repercussions.

184) Kira, stop encouraging Ichimaru-taicho's hole puncher fetish.

185) Who locked Tousen-taicho in Squad 4's supply closet?

186) Whoever gave Kyoraku his 'Don't You Think I'm Sexy?' theme song needs to cease and desist. His refusal to enter a room unless it's playing will no longer be tolerated.

187) And we don't want to get sued for copyright infringement.

188) Kurotsuchi, that whole sentence must never be spoken from the mouth of a being ever again. Where did you hear _that _from?

189) Stop discussing conspiracy theories in front of the academy students. They avoid the Squad 5 barracks like the plague.

190) Stop trying to cast spells on Unohana-taicho. The intensive care wing is already overworked as it is.

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AN: Goodness, it's hard to keep all the lieutenants in here DX


	11. Page Nine

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here. Sadly I only own her existence (or lack thereof) and not her name.

AN: I'm burning out of rules here. I need a muse and fast. Alsp, people keep asking me why this doesn't have more reviews. I don't know, maybe it's because people like to read and not drop a review...

*clears throat* I feel better now :3

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**The Handbook of Central 46**

191) Whoever installed that fire-hydrant from the world of the living in front of the 7th Division's barracks, put it back where you found it. Captain Komamura won't use it.

192) Iba, Captain Unohana didn't appreciate you taping her seventh seat Hanataro Yamamda to the post outside of 11th Division's barracks with _**'Fresh Meat' **_written on his forehead.

193) Nor did she appreciate you, Kira and Hisagi trying to sacrifice him to the Gods of Rukongai.

194) The creepy guy behind the barracks is not one of the Gods of Rukongai.

195) There are **NO** Gods of Rukongai.

196) Hinamori, you can't smite people just because Ichimaru said you could.

197) Can someone explain why Captain Soi-Fon's black cat plushie is on fire in the main courtyard?

198) Don't open that window Abarai.

199) Take down that math equation off Squad 4's barracks. She won't walk on the correct side of the hallways with it there.

200) There will be no fruit related mutinies anytime soon.

201) Stop using the main courtyard for anything. Including that thing with the hamster Kurotsuchi.

202) We understand and respect your relationships with your zanpakuto spirits. However, having them 'whip new recruits into shape' will get your water cooler privileges revoked.

203) Yes, you had water cooler privileges. Keyword: **_had_**

204) Who offered Soi-Fon breast implants?

205) Captain Komamura is not a rare Pokemon that only appears every 100 years. So stop running up to him with Poke' balls yelling _'Koma-kun, I choose you!'_

* * *

AAN: Just one more page of rules and then to the Creepy Guy Chronicles! Off we go!


	12. Page Ten

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here.

AN: Alright, this is the last of the rules from here, but I've got an idea. I want to make another page of rules but with a twist; I want it to be from you guys! So if you want to submit a rule, leave it in a review and I'll make the page. Enjoy :)

* * *

**The Handbook of Central 46**

206) Having recruits yell 'shunpo!' everytime they run will not teach them the technique.

207) We don't care if it _is _called the 'Pit of Death', stop kicking people in there Kusajishi.

208) Stop organizing streaking parties in the main courtyard Matsumoto. There are children in our ranks.

209) Bribing Hitsugaya-taicho with candy will not get him to unseal Hyorinmaru just so you can have a snow day.

210) Stop giving lessons on the human reproductive system in the main courtyard Kurotsuchi.

211) To all female fukutaicho: You may not steal the gigai of male shinigami, insert Mod Souls into them and use them to make steamy yaoi porn videos.

212) Hinamori, stop leering at Kuchiki-taicho suggestively.

213) Stop cracking 'Yo Momma' jokes on Yamada Hanataro. Unohana-taicho won't warn you again.

214) Stop telling Kurosaki Ichigo that every time one of you appears in his window, it's for sexual favors.

215) Kira, stop encouraging your taicho's hole puncher fetish in public. And yes, we can STILL see you.

216) Ise, stop using Hell butterflies as target practice every time your taicho infuriates you.

217) Seriously Shihoin, why do the heads of your family want to buy Hisagi? And where is your captain?

218) Kotetsu, what did you tell your subordinates about Unohana-taicho? They avoid the whole west side of your barracks.

219) No Omaeda, we don't want to hear that joke about the soul reaper, the plumber and the male gynecologist.

220) Sneaking famous dead souls back into the world of the living will not earn you a bankai upgrade, so stop doing it. If we have to hear another story about how some human saw Tupac working at McDonald's…

* * *

AAN: Other than the last rule page, the Creepy Guy Chronicles is up next. I can't wait ;)


	13. Page Eleven

_This set of rules has been written from observation and influence of the acts and behaviors of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. They shall be held as such, no matter the situation. They shall be followed at all times and updated when deemed necessary._

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach, but I do own the random Lieutenant Shihoin that I put in here.

AN: Last page of rules here. Thanks to Fanficssuck2, Ace Aero and Captain Skycake for contributing there own rules. You guys rock my handbook writing socks! Oh yeah, and I'm trying to see whether or not I should make a captain's book. Hmmm…

* * *

**The Handbook of Central 46**

221) Kotetsu, stop walking up to random shinigami with a cloth and asking them if it smells like chloroform. Kurotsuchi-taicho doesn't need 'live test subjects'.

222) For the last time Hisagi, stop teaching the academy students what your tattoo means.

223) No Ise, you cannot file sexual harassment claims just because Hisagi winked at you with the eye on the tattooed side of his face.

224) Abarai, remove that cardboard cutout from in front of Squad 10's office. You know, the one that says, 'You Must Be This Tall to Enter'.

225) Light reflecting off Ikkaku Madarame's head is not the reason behind Tousen-taicho's blindness.

226) Matsumoto, please refrain from barging into the Squad 4 locker rooms, , posing provocatively in front of Hanataro Yamada's locker and offering to 'make a real man out of him'.

227) As we have said before: Please stop stalking Captain Aizen like he has some sort of plan, especially you Hinamori. You're acting like one of those obsessive fangirls from the world of the living.

228) Hisagi, stop chasing 3rd Division's lieutenant with handcuffs should 'I'VE CAUGHT KIRA!' Apparently, Ichimaru believes that's a kinky sex game.

229) Hinamori, Aizen-taicho did not appreciate you dubbing your office 'The Sex Room'. Your subordinates refuse to go anywhere near there when the doors are closed.

230) Kira, we've been able to see you this whole time.

231) Seducing Yoruichi Shihoin with catnip will not get her to transform into her human form.

232) Just because he said yes Kurotsuchi doesn't make it legal.

233) There are no mating rituals to please the Gods of Rukongai every third Wednesday of the month. THERE ARE NO GODS OF RUKONGAI.

234) Stop sending prank messages via Hell butterflies to other divisions Abarai. The captains don't need to tell you if their refrigerators are running.

235) There is no such thing as vampires. There is no such thing as sparkly vampires. There are no shirtless werewolves. There is no war brewing between sparkly vampires and shirtless werewolves. There is no truce between the shirtless werewolves and sparkly vampires because there was no war between them because they don't exist. This rule is not specifically specific from us reading those books Ise so stop bringing them from the world of the living.

* * *

AN: Next up are the Official Creepy Guy Chronicles. Until then my good people...


	14. Creepy Chronicles: Isane and Momo

The time has finally arrived. The Creepy Guy Chronicles is here! I've set this up a little differently than the first time, since I don't want to add an additional 13 more chapters. So it is with great honor that I bestow upon you readers the first installment of: The Creepy Guy Chronicles.

Please hold your applause.

Also, I'm torn between making the Creepy Guy Chronicles apart of the handbook or giving it its own story. Until I decide, they shall remain within the rulebook. Yesh!

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach but I do own the Creepy Guy and his identity. Or do I…?

_With the appearance of this unknown man around the barracks of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, we have dispatched squads to record his interactions with the lieutenants. Their actions after dealing with this unidentified man have spawned updates to their handbook._

_

* * *

_

**Creepy Guy Chronicles: Kotetsu Isane and Hinamori Momo**

**

* * *

**

Reason for update:

_**Rule 211: To all female fukutaicho: You may not steal the gigai of male shinigami, insert Mod Souls into them and use them to make steamy yaoi porn videos.**_

_**

* * *

**_

All is peaceful in the medical wing of the Squad Four barracks. The sick are sleeping, the injured were healing and seats lower than three were being terrorized and harassed by members of Squad Eleven. Yep, just a regular day in the Squad Four infirmary.

The lieutenant of Squad Four was busy in the upper storage room, taking inventory of all the gigai that are used by the Gotei 13. Under the beaming bright lights she walked up and down the aisles of the massive room, categorizing the wear and tear of each gigai. She scribbled quickly, her pen the only source of noise in the room.

That's when it happened.

Something that felt remotely similar to a hand ghosted up her back and rest on her shoulder. Isane glances to her shoulder and nearly jumps ten feet from where she was originally standing.

Clutching the clipboard to her chest like a lifeline, she spun around to find the source of the 'hand' when she saw her captain standing in the doorway. Noticing her second in command's anxiety, Captain Unohana walks over to her.

"I'm sorry Isane, I didn't mean to scare you." The silver haired lieutenant assures her captain that she's alright. Unohana nods and gets back to business.

"Do you have the charts for Rukia Kuchiki? I need to check up on her." Isane starts to dig through the piles of paper that are under her clipboard but stops abruptly.

"No I don't. I left them at the front desk after I checked up on her this morning. Has her condition worsened?"

"No, her vitals are falling back to their normal levels and she seems to be stabilizing. I'll go check the front desk's inbox. Thank you Isane." And with that, Captain Unohana departs, leaving her lieutenant to her duties.

An hour goes by and nothing exciting happens. Isane is halfway done with the gigai inventory and is getting ready to take a break. A knocking on the doorframe caught her attention and she stops what she's doing to see who it is.

"Momo? What are you doing here?"

The lieutenant of Squad Five found herself out of breath. "Some of my squad members are here and I was just visiting them."

Isane gave a quiet 'hm' and went back to work. Momo stood there for a minute, collecting herself. She decided to go over and talk a bit with her friend and ended up helping her catalogue the gigai.

The two are engaging in conversation when the lights begin to flicker. Both lieutenants look up at the strange occurrence, then return to their work. The lights flicker once again, this time accompanied by a strange spiritual pressure that engulfs the room.

A strangely dressed man comes up to the lieutenants. From what they could tell, he was not a soul reaper; he wore no shihakusho and didn't carry a zanpakuto. He just wears a hooded drape that pools around his feet and hides his face in shadow.

Neither one of the lieutenants make a sound: this odd spiritual pressure was making them feel…weird.

The drape was moving around the man's midsection and Isane threw down her clipboard. Whoever this guy is, he can't be here. Only those-

"I mean no harm Kotetsu-chan. I come bringing gifts from…"

He trails off, his eerie voice sending chills up and down the girls' spines. He brings up a hand and waves it over the clipboard that Isane dropped to the ground. He brings his outstretched arm up to his face and the weird spiritual pressure disappears, along with him.

The women look to each other and agree; that was one of the creepiest things that they have ever seen. Isane glances down to her forgotten clipboard to see what that creepy guy left behind. There are a few mini multi-colored balls sitting on it and she grabs one to inspect it.

"This looks familiar. Could it be a mod soul pill?" Isane questions, glancing over to Momo. The raven haired woman reaches down and picks up her own mod soul, inspecting it carefully.

"I don't know. We need a way to test it out."

The two women scan the room, looking for something to test the strange pills. They couldn't use each other because they didn't know what would happen. Maybe they could use something in this room that is used for things like this.

"Isane, I think I know what to use."

* * *

"She told me that she was going to be visiting some of our members that were here but she didn't tell me that she was going to stay this long. I haven't seen her since early this afternoon."

"She probably just stayed and chatted for a bit with Isane, Captain Aizen. She did mention that she had some free time today when she was talking to my third seat." Captain Unohana states, reassuring the first seat of the Fifth Division. Captain Aizen gives her one of his soft smiles, and she returns the gesture. The two make their way down one of the Squad Four infirmary halls; straight to the gigai storage room.

_"Wait, don't do it !"yet! Let me get the Slide-N-Glide!"_

_"Get the strawberry flavor! Coconut makes me chafe!"_

_"That doesn't make any sense! It's the same thing, just a different flavor!_

_"Shut up! I'm sensitive down there..."_

"_Sensitive to what? Committment?"_

The two captains stop walking.

_"Hurry up people, we don't have all day! We got to get this filmed before the boss gets here!" _

Aizen nearly trips over his own feet when Unohana increases her speed. She speedwalks down the hall until she reaches a door. The voices they heard earlier hav grown louder: seems like they are coming from this room. A shiver travels up Aizen's spine as the spiritual pressure in thier tiny area grows darker. He glances over to Unohana and sees that her demanour was calm and that sickly sweet smile was pasted onto her face. In one swift movement, the door in front of them flew open and the voices silenced themselves.

In the middle of the room stood Isane, Momo and gigai of a few of the male lieutenants. Isane stood behind a camcorder while the scantily clad gigai of Shuhei Hisagi stood over the very naked gigai of Renji Abarai. Momo stood behind Renji's gigai, squirting some clear gel over his nether regions. Isane quickly jumps from behind the camcorder and bows lowly to her captain.

"Captain! I-it's n-ot what it l-looks like!" Unohana just closes the door behind herself and Aizen.

"No. It's exactly what it looks like Isane."


	15. Creepy Chronicles: Omaeda and Iba

I now bestow upon you readers the second of the chronicles dealing with the creepy man. Here on yonder, there shall be words creating sentences meant for comic relief. Read until the muscles in your face contract into what scientists call a 'smile'.

Also, I apologize for the lateness of this update but I've recently moved into a dormitory in order to further my education. (*cough* first-year college student *cough*)

Freshman status: Complete.

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach but I do own the Creepy Guy and his identity. Or do I…?

_With the appearance of this unknown man around the barracks of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, we have dispatched squads to record his interactions with the lieutenants. Their actions after dealing with this unidentified man have spawned updates to their handbook._

* * *

**Creepy Guy Chronicles- Omaeda Marechiyo and Iba Tetsuzaemon**

* * *

**Reason for update:**

_**Rule 163- Don't encourage wild and crazy mud wrestling cat fights between Kotetsu-fukutaicho and Matsumoto-fukutaicho.**_

* * *

"Orders are orders."

"What? But that's not fair!"

"Tough nuts. Even if we don't like them, our superiors gave us orders and they must be carried out, no matter what."

A whimper. "But Captain Soi Fon-"

"Are you back talking me Omaeda?" The giant man gulps deeply. His captain sure is scary when she's angry. Soi Fon lets a smirk hit her face.

"That's what I thought. Now, get to your lieutenant's meeting."

* * *

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Of course it does. Maybe you're too stupid to understand."

"I smell a catfight a'comin!"

"Stupid? That's very childish of you Rangiku."

"I got five on Rangiku."

"What Renji? Isane would kick that ass."

"Oh yeah? I'll-"

A loud bang catches the attention of the other 12 second seats. The lieutenant of Squad 1 fixes his eyes on the two shinigami who were arguing at their meeting. At this rate, he was never going to go home and make his tea.

"Now ladies, that is enough from the two of you. If you don't mind, I'd like to get this meeting back on track." Isane and Rangiku silently nod and Chojiro sits back down in his chair.

"Thank you, now back to the topic at hand. On multiple accounts, I've gotten complaints from some of the lower seats of some of your squads. The issue that seems like the consensus of them all is that they feel as if they have no say is some of the activities that your squads participate in." The lieutenant of Squad 6, Renji Abarai, raises his hand.

"Yes Renji?"

"And we care about this because..?" Shuuhei sighs and slaps Renji in the back of his head while Chojiro glares at him.

"As I was saying, the Captain-Commander and I have decided a way to get this situation under control. In every barrack there will be a suggestion box placed in the center courtyard so that the lower ranked shinigami can have a say in what goes on where they work. All in favor?" All the lieutenants raised their hands and Chojiro nodded.

"Motion passed." SLAM!

* * *

"That was crazy."

"Yeah, tell me about it. Rangiku almost kicked Isane's ass."

"Are you kidding me? Ever since that incident with the gigai last week, Isane's been walking around in ass-kicking mode."

Izuru sighed lowly to himself. He was a fool for thinking that they would enjoy a decent conversation on their way from their meeting. The lieutenants meeting was over and everyone was returning to their barracks. Izuru, Renji and Shuuhei are walking together to who knows where, arguing about who would win in a fight. Oh yeah, Omaeda and Tetsuzaemon are there too but Izuru forgot to mention them; probably there for plot convenience. Speaking of Omaeda and Tetsuzaemon….

"Hey, Tetsuzaemon." Squad 7's second seat looks up at Marechiyo and adjusts his glasses. He adjusts them in a manly way because that's the only way he knows how.

"What?" The larger man crams another one of his fried rice crackers in his mouth, spilling crumbs down the front of his shihakusho. Back in the Squad 2 barracks, Soi Fon hugs her Yoruichi plushy just a _little too tightly_.

"Who do you think would win in a fight: Isane or Rangiku?" Tetsuzaemon goes silent for a moment, mulling over the question in his mind.

Rangiku: Goes on dangerous missions in the world of the living and fights hollows on a daily basis. She will willingly put her life on the line for her captain in a moment's notice.

Isane: Deals with Squad 11.

Looks like we've got a winner.

He knows from first-hand experience how crazy those nut jobs are. Speaking of those nut jobs, Ikkaku owes him a round of sake. If that bald bastard thinks he's going to get out of that deal, he's got another thing coming…

"I don't know about you but I'm going to take Renji's side on this one. Isane's the winner." Both Renji and Shuuhei look back over their shoulders at Iba, though their faces show completely different emotions. Renji's idiot smirk grows into a full blown grin as Shuuhei glares daggers into Tetsuzaemon's soul.

"I told you Shuuhei. Rangiku would get creamed in a fistfight so just admit it already and we can all go home." Shuuhei's glare directs itself to Renji's face. Izuru's blue eyes also hit the redhead's face but for a different reason.

A blonde eyebrow cocks upward. "Renji, I can't believe you just said 'creamed'. Where are we-"

But before the blonde could finish, the sky above them suddenly grows dark; which is weird since the sun is out. Well , we're talking about past tense so it _was _out.

A strange spiritual pressure drops down on them, freezing them in their places. They shoot questioning glances to each other, wondering if any of them have felt this kind of pressure before.

A strangely dressed man comes up to the lieutenants. From what they could tell, he was not a soul reaper; he wore no shihakusho and didn't carry a zanpakuto. He just wears a hooded drape that pools around his feet and hides his face in shadow.

None of the lieutenants make a sound: this odd spiritual pressure was making them feel…weird.

Renji is the first to break out of this trance and reaches for his Zabimaru. The others snap out of their daze and reach for their zanpakuto as well. The drape moves around the man's midsection and the men draw their weapons.

"Who are you and how did you get into the Seireitei?" Shuuhei demands, ignoring Kazeshini's cackles in the back of his mind. The man just reaches a hand out to the lieutenants and points to their group.

"Marechiyo…Tetsuzaemon….they said that it will succeed…"

He trails off, his eerie voice creeping out the men. He brings his outstretched hand up to his face and the weird spiritual pressure disappears, along with him.

The sky lightens back to its usual hue of blue and the area calmed once more. The men sheathe their zanpakuto and survey the area. Marechiyo pulls out his fried rice crackers and begins chomping on them again.

"Where the hell did he go?" Renji questions aloud, still gripping Zabimaru's hilt. Shuuhei came up beside Renji, his gray eyes searching the premises as well.

"More importantly, how did he get into the Seireitei without us noticing him? No one has that kind of spiritual pressure." Izuru nods, looking back down to his Wabisuke.

"What did he mean when he said 'they said it will succeed'?" Marechiyo asks. Tetsuzaemon scratches at his chest and spits, because he's a real man and real men do socially unacceptable things in front of other men.

"I don't know but I think I've got an idea on how to settle that fight."

* * *

Sajin was confused; more so now than usual. Maybe it was from the neon sign that was flashing in front of his Squad 7 barracks but he couldn't be sure. Then again, where did the neon sign come from anyway?

Today had been a day full of contradictions and awkward situations. First, Gin Ichimaru had showed up to their monthly captains' meeting wearing nothing but Shunsui Kyoraku's horrid pink kimono.

When questioned about it, both captains just smiled.

Sajin tried asking Shunsui's best friend about the whole situation but Jushiro just smiled warmly at him ('smiled warmly' read: 'choked on green tea until his face turned blue). After Jushiro's lieutenant Mahiru pulled a broom on him and shooed him out of the office, he decided to drop the situation altogether.

At the moment Sajin is standing outside his barracks, watching a line of people drop something into a box at the entrance and enter. His keen ears pick up the sound of his lieutenant's voice so he followed the sound.

"That's right; get your tickets here!"

"Don't miss the brawl of them all! The fight of the night!"

Sajin watches as his lieutenant and the lieutenant of Squad Two pass out tickets to whatever fight they were promoting; He didn't mind that Tetsuzaemon did it, but here out of all places? How unprofessional is that?

He also minded that Tetsuzaemon did it with his shirt off but that's another story for another time.

And Soi Fon; she would be so pissed to find out that her lieutenant was here, slacking off. So he decides to shut things down here and get all these people out of his barracks. He had mission statements due to the Head Captain tomorrow and he'd be damned if he'd incur the wrath of Ryujin Jakka.

"Come get your tickets! Be one of the lucky ones to see the greatest mud-wrestling matches ever: Kotetsu Isane versus Matsumoto Rangiku!"

Well, Sajin decided, those statements could wait just a _little _longer.


	16. Creepy Chronicles: Nanao,Yachiru, Nemu

Welcome to the Creepy Guy Chronicles Part Three! Please stay seated until the end of the ride, keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Make sure your seatbelts are strapped securely across your person and enjoy the ride.

I've noticed that I've been picking on Isane a lot. It's okay though; that's tough love. And also: Time has a zanpakuto.

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach but I do own the Creepy Guy and his identity. Or do I…?

_With the appearance of this unknown man around the barracks of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, we have dispatched squads to record his interactions with the lieutenants. Their actions after dealing with this unidentified man have spawned updates to their handbook._

* * *

**Creepy Guy Chronicles-Ise Nanao, Kusajishi Yachiru and Kurotsuchi Nemu**

* * *

**Reason for update: **

_**Rule 235-There is no such thing as vampires. There is no such thing as sparkly vampires. There are no shirtless werewolves. There is no war brewing between sparkly vampires and shirtless werewolves. There is no truce between the shirtless werewolves and sparkly vampires because there was no war between them because they don't exist. **_

* * *

"The last book sucks."

"No it didn't! It was awesome!"

"I'd have to agree, it was a rather enjoyable ending to the series."

Isane sits back and listens to the 'intense' conversation that is currently happening in the Shinigami Women's Association meeting room. The meeting had started over an hour ago and sadly, so did this conversation.

The meeting had started simple enough like it always did: Yachiru yelling something about them needing money, Nanao quickly reminding their president that she spent said money on candy, Kiyone failing epically at conversation with Nemu, Rangiku and Mahiru secretly laughing at Soi Fon for pointlessly angsting over Yoruichi, and Isane and Momo sitting back watching it all.

Somehow, the weekly routine was disrupted by a newcomer to the scene. No, the newcomer was not a shinigami, it was a book. Well, the book was brought up by a shinigami who didn't belong in the Shinigami Women's Association but that's not the point.

'_The point is_, Isane decides, '_that the book was the one that started this whole fiasco in the first place.' _Yes Isane did just think the word 'fiasco'.

* * *

Recall, FLASHBACK!

"_It doesn't matter to me anymore. You all can just use this room." Tetsuzaemon spoke solemnly. Nanao watched as the man was pulled out of the meeting room._

"_This is bullshit! They're only going to use this room just to discuss that damn book." Shuuhei mumbles, following after Tetsuzaemon. His gray eyes met Nanao's violet ones and they glared holes into each others' souls._

"_I HATE DAYLIGHT!"_

* * *

Return to the present, Flashback.

Now Isane sits back and watches as Soi Fon, Yachiru, and Nanao discuss the ending of the new book series 'Daylight'. The book series has been buzzing around the Seireitei after some soul reaper came back from a mission in the world of the living. It was started a few months ago and has quickly gained popularity from the female population of the Seireitei. When asked as to what inspired her to write the books the authoress replied, _**'Two girls fighting over a guy is so anticlimactic. Add some fangs, fur and angst, then it gets epic.' **_

Isane's thoughts come to a screeching halt as she suddenly jerks over to her right. Instantly, her hands reach out to the table for support as she stops herself from falling. She whips her head over to her left, chest heaving and eyes wide because she almost _died _just now.

"You were daydreaming again." Momo says, taking in Isane's disheveled look. Her chocolate eyes are twinkling with a mirth that make Isane suspicious. Although this feeling should be elaborated on, we need to get back to the plot of this story.

"They got married; who didn't see that one coming?" Soi Fon states, crossing her arms over her chest. "You could tell it was going to happen from the first book."

Nanao adjusts her glasses with her index finger. "That is a good statement, but remember that Ellie left Blake in the second book so he could have easily ended up with Jacqueline."

"But he didn't! He went back to Ellie and they had a baby! Ju-Ju Bean says that what happens when two people love each other; they have babies!" Yachiru exclaims, waving her saliva-covered lollipop around. Everyone automatically moves their chairs two and a half inches over to their left at the exact same time, epically dodging rogue spews of Squad 11 spit.

"They're still a predictable couple, no matter how you put it." Soi Fon states, rising from her chair and leaving the room. Nanao opens her mouth to dispute but her attention is thrown off balance as the lights in the room begin to flicker on and off.

As the lights sputter back on, a strange spiritual pressure engulfs the room, effectively killing all conversation in the room. The door to the room silently opens and all eyes are glued to it.

A strangely dressed man slowly enters the room. From what they could tell, he was not a soul reaper; he wore no shihakusho and didn't carry a zanpakuto. He just wears a hooded drape that pools around his feet and hides his face in shadow.

None of the lieutenants make a sound: this odd spiritual pressure was making them feel…weird.

Retracting her earlier statement, Nanao gathers herself and straightens her posture. The others do the same, watching the man's movements intensely. The drape moves around the man's midsection and Nanao addresses the unwarranted visitor.

"Why are you here?" The man seemingly ignores the question and points a hand towards their group.

"Nanao…Yachiru…Nemu…They need you to prepare…"

His eerie voice trails off, confusing the women. He brings a hand up to his face and the weird spiritual pressure vanishes.

The lights return to their original luminosity and the women cautiously relax. Nanao fixes her glasses back onto her face and looks to her fellow members; they were just as tense as she was. Yachiru however, instantly recovers from that brief encounter.

"I wish Kenny was here. That's the guy that's always outside our barracks at night!"

Nemu, who had been peacefully existing in the background of this plot, suddenly found the urge to speak up to the group. Said group however, was not ready for what she was about to say.

"This threat was inevitable. We knew it was on the horizon but we could not predict the impact it would have. We must prepare for the war."

* * *

Shunsui Kyoraku is a man of many words. Sure, some of those words included '_sake_', '_pretty_', '_no one has to know', _but at least he has something to say. Right now, Shunsui is speechless.

At the moment, his lieutenant, his lovely little Nanao-chan (emphasis on _his_) is barking out orders to the lower ranked underlings of the Eighth Division.

This is an everyday occurrence and usually Shunsui would feel inclined to saunter over to his lieutenant and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. Promptly before the sweet nothings are added to the equation, Nanao would swiftly scare her captain off with a kick to his family jewels.

But today is different.

Today, Nanao is barking out orders to the female population of the Eighth Division while the lieutenants of Squad 11 and 12 stand on either sides of her. Nemu is holding up a poster of a human boy standing between a female vampire and a female werewolf while Yachiru yells out their names and their importance to the war. Shunsui nearly face-palmed.

"Let's go girls! We've got to make sure that the humans do not witness this event! Jacqueline must be victorious!"

Jushiro Ukitake, who has been standing beside his best friend the whole time, glances over to said best friend, after noticing the lack of noise from his person. Said best friend is fighting back the tears in his eyes and drops to his knees, bowing his head down in shame.

"I'm hurt Jyuu." Jushiro places a hand on his shoulder and sympathizes.

"It's okay. She'll be back and that's all that matters." Shunsui nods and stands up once more, facing Jushiro. He takes a hold of Jushiro's shoulders, surprising the white haired captain and guides him in the direction of the door, the same door where Nanao's army left out of.

"Where are we going Shunsui?" Jushiro asked, struggling to catch his best friend's gaze from behind him. The brunette foiled all of Jushiro's tries and continues to push him out of the door.

"We're going to find this Blake and have a little talk with him about my little Nanao-chan."


	17. Creepy Chronicles: Izuru, Renji, Shuuhei

We're almost there; closer to the chapter where the identity of the Creepy Guy will be revealed. Aren't you just bubbling over with excitement?

I'll stop talking now.

By the way, I'd really like to know who that anonymous reviewer was who stated that this story was filled with 'lazy inaccuracies'. Low blow to the ego.

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach but I do own the Creepy Guy and his identity. Or do I…?

__

_With the appearance of this unknown man around the barracks of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, we have dispatched squads to record his interactions with the lieutenants. Their actions after dealing with this unidentified man have spawned updates to their handbook._

* * *

**Creepy Guy Chronicles- Kira Izuru, Abarai Renji and Hisagi Shuuhei**

* * *

**Reason for update:**

_**Rule 30-When asked a question, 'Deez Nuts' is not an appropriate response.**_

* * *

Sometimes Renji wondered why he even bothered showing up early for these lieutenant meetings. No matter how fast he ran/flash-stepped, they never _started_ on time because no one was really _there_ on time.

Renji was always keen on being punctual ever since he reached lieutenant status not because he wanted to be, but because he had to be. He knew that if he was late anywhere under Byakuya's command, his stoic taicho would not hesitate to silently mock him distastefully because he had the _audacity _to show up at his destination late as the representative of Squad Six.

Kuchiki-taicho would simply not allow it.

Renji has half the nerve to just get up and leave out of the meeting room _right fuckin' now _because he's been sitting here for the past hour and a half waiting for the rest of his second seat peers and the only ones to show up are Izuru and Shuuhei; the two idiots he's currently sitting with. Yes Renji has half a mind to just get up and leave but he'd rather not face the wrath of Senbonzakura for the second time this week.

"We've got to do it."

"We? Who the hell is 'we'?"

"You know, you, me and Izuru."

"Count me out. Unlike you, I've actually got work to do,"

"Oh come on Izuru, your squad can handle themselves just fine without you. What's the worse that could happen?"

* * *

Over in the Squad Three barracks….

Two soul reapers watch as the Squad Three bathhouse is evacuated.

It was the men's side so the women in the squad join in watching the whole event take place. Shinigami from every seat came flying out of the bathhouse, tripping over each other and pushing each other out of the way. Other member are working to keep the event contained but the smoke is pouring out of every nook and cranny of the building. Over all the panic and chaos, a lone voice is heard.

"WHO DROPPPED THE SOAP?"

* * *

"Seriously Izuru, I'm over here begging you right now. I never beg people. When was the last time I actually begged you to do something with me?" The blonde sits back in his seat and contemplates the question; too bad Renji beat him to the punch.

"Last week you practically dragged us to Omeada's house just to eat his leftovers from lunch, you cheap bastard!" Shuuhei shrinks back and collects his broken pride. The proverbial dark cloud is floating over the table so Izuru decides to lighten the atmosphere before it engulfs them all.

"You know Shuuhei, it does save us money when we go over to Marechiyo's house for lunch. I don't think it's as shameless as Renji sees it." Renji folds his arms over his chest and scoffs, because eating someone's leftovers really _is_ as shameless as he sees it, no matter how much money you save.

Byakuya's mannerisms were slowly rubbing off on him more and more every day.

Shuuhei finally finds the courage to pull himself out of his mini-funk and picks his head up off the meeting table. Pride and dignity mostly intact, his face acquires a sly grin and glances to Renji. The redhead meets the gray colored gaze head on and Izuru rolls his eyes at the sight. He jumps a little when the door to the lieutenants meeting room is rudely wrenched open.

A strangely dressed man slowly enters the room, bringing a strange spiritual pressure with him. From what they could tell, he was not a soul reaper; he wore no shihakusho and didn't carry a zanpakuto. He just wears a hooded drape that pools around his feet and hides his face in shadow.

None of the lieutenants make a sound: this odd spiritual pressure was making them feel…weird.

Renji is the first to snap out of his trance, reaching to his waist for Zabimaru. Izuru and Shuuhei follow suit, grabbing for Wabisuke and Kazeshini respectively. The drape around the man's midsection shifts, throwing the lieutenants into a heightened state of alertness.

"State you name and purpose for being here." Izuru demands, drawing Wabisuke. The man ignores the blonde's question and instead, reaching out a hand to them.

"Izuru…Renji…Shuuhei…It must be done…"

He trails off, his eerie voice creeping out the men. He brings his outstretched hand up to his face and the weird spiritual pressure disappears, along with him.

The door silently slides shut and the three men in the room are left, staring at each other. They put away their weapons and sit quietly with each other, their former conversation long forgotten. Shuuhei runs a hand through his short, dark hair and slams a fist down on the meeting table.

"Who _is_ that guy?"

* * *

Kuchiki Byakuya likes to coin himself as a patient man; having a former member of Squad 11 as your lieutenant, you've got to have some kind of tolerance.

Byakuya feels he is about to hit the limits of his patience.

The Captain-Commander had called a joint meeting to discuss the possible threat of the unknown man that is stalking out the Seireitei. The meeting was originally the captain's monthly meeting but since the lieutenants accomplished absolutely nothing during their own meeting, he decided to combine the two and give the news out all at one time.

Byakuya spares a glance over his shoulder to his lieutenant behind him; the redhead is being more quiet than he usually is at these meetings. He wonders what could be bothering his second seat but doesn't dwell on the thought because Captain Ichimaru has a question.

"Is it possible for us to capture this man if he's seen around our barracks? I would hate to have him roaming around at night."

"It's possible for you to get deez nuts." That sounded like it came from behind Byakuya. The lieutenants from the 3rd and 9th squads snicker quietly, but this doesn't go unnoticed by Captain Yamamoto.

"Silence! Who dared to speak when not spoken to?"

"Deez nuts."

Byakuya watches as Kaname Tousen tilts his head to the side, curiously listening for something. Shunsui Kyoraku steps up to the plate this time, ready to speak when Mayuri Kurotsuchi rudely adds his two cents in to the cup.

"Who do you think you are, holding up this meeting like this? Your childish antics are of no use here so give it up!" The room grew quiet at the angry outburst.

"You just mad cause you ain't got deez nuts."

A few of the officers in the room burst into laughter at the statement and Mayuri stands back in his spot fuming. His face is red with anger but it's hard to see with all that black make-up on his face. The laughter is contagious and half the room ends up joining along in the chorus of giggles, but goes downhill once Ichimaru pulls out his hole puncher. The Captain-Commander regains order in the room and concludes the meeting, glaring at his lieutenant for chortling at the lewd comments.

As they exit the Squad One barracks, Byakuya shoots a glare at Renji once the redhead catches up to him. He doesn't know what Renji did but he know that he did something that caused that little scene back there; Byakuya was suspicious.

His fukutaicho is long overdue for some silent and distasteful mocking.


	18. Creepy Chronicles: Rangiku and Mahiru

This is an experiment. I really don't think Rukia has what it takes to be a lieutenant and Kaien's dead; that is the reason why there is only one original character (_Shihoin Mahiru_) as Ukitake's second seat. She used to be a Mary Sue but I've radically altered her character.

Be prepared.

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach but I do own the Creepy Guy and his identity. Or do I…?

_With the appearance of this unknown man around the barracks of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, we have dispatched squads to record his interactions with the lieutenants. Their actions after dealing with this unidentified man have spawned updates to their handbook._

**Creepy Guy Chronicles-Matsumoto Rangiku and Shihoin Mahiru**

* * *

** Reason for update:**

****

_Rule 167- Stop trying to convince Ukitake-taicho to pose for the centerfold of 'Sexy Seireitei: Ladies' Night.'_

**_

* * *

_**

Once again, the Shinigami Women's Association find themselves in an unfavorable predicament. A predicament so unfavorable yet so predictable that they really aren't surprised about it. Once again, the Shinigami Women's Association find themselves low on funds. This time however, it's not Yachiru's fault.

(Insert shocked gasp here)

No, the president of the Shinigami Women's Association has been reigned in by the chairwoman herself, Unohana Retsu. After multiple complaints by members of the other clubs and associations around the Seireitei (mostly the Shinigami Men's Association), the supervising chairwoman was forced to step in and set the president straight.

Her sugar intake has been severely halved and Nanao has gained control of not only the budget but the funds too. The members of the Women's Association wonder why Nanao hasn't had control in the past but that would mean questioning Chairwoman Unohana's decision.

They still haven't found the last guy that questioned Chairwoman Unohana's last decision.

Which brings us to their current situation. The members of the SWA are all sitting around in their meeting room, trying to figure out _'who blew our freakin' budget'_. This question hangs in the air between them unanswered and when they all glance to their vice president, Nanao lightly blushes and coughs into her hand, turning away from the table. They all know that Nanao knows that they know that she knows who blew through most of their money but if she wants to keep her life, she'll stay quiet. Now, onto how to make some money in this peace.

Rangiku sits back in her seat and amusedly watches her fellow shinigami over a fresh cup of sake. Sometimes it was better to just sit back and watch the discussions that took place during their meetings; these ladies are just so entertaining. The strawberry blonde's attention is drawn to her left, where another member of the SWA is half listening to the discussion in front of her, opting to clean her nails instead.

Rangiku snorts into her sake; Mahiru could be so boring sometimes. The noise disturbs said boring person and Rangiku's ice blue eyes meet a golden gaze. Mahiru cocks an eyebrow at the Squad 10 lieutenant but she just brushes it off.

"Maybe we should start another trading card trend." Momo pipes quietly through the louder voices of Soi Fon, Yachiru and Nanao. The conversation dies down and all attention is on Momo.

"We've already done that idea." Soi Fon states, folding her arms over her chest.

Momo nods quietly, "I know that but I just wanted to-"

"Then why suggest something that we've already done? We need new and fresh ideas." Nanao recites as a matter-of-factly. She adjusts her glasses on her nose, as if challenging Momo to come back on her decision but the raven haired girl doesn't back down.

"I've got a different idea for the trading cards. We could use-"

"Why do trading cards again anyway? The pictures would be of the same people." Kiyone adds. Momo grinds her knuckles into her thighs because she already _knows_ that they've done it but if they would just _shut the fuck up_, maybe she could introduce her idea. The arguing continues until the door to the meeting room slowly slides open.

A strangely dressed man slowly enters the room, bringing a strange spiritual pressure with him. From what they could tell, he was not a soul reaper; he wore no shihakusho and didn't carry a zanpakuto. He just wears a hooded drape that pools around his feet and hides his face in shadow.

None of the lieutenants make a sound: this odd spiritual pressure was making them feel…weird.

Soi Fon reaches for her Suzumebachi, not at all fazed by this newcomer. This was the man that had been terrorizing the Seireitei for weeks now and she was about to put an end to this. Whoever this man was, he picked the wrong day to intrude on the Shinigami Women's Association.

"Who are you and why are you here? Answer me!"

The man ignores the small stature captain and instead focuses on the back of the room. The drape around the man's midsection moves and everyone goes into defense mode. He brings up a hand and points towards the back of the room.

"Rangiku….Mahiru…They will love it…"

He trails off, his eerie voice confusing the women. He brings his outstretched hand up to his face and the weird spiritual pressure disappears, along with him.

Once the man leaves, the room breaks into chaos. Yachiru begins to yell about how _'That's the guy that Kenny's hunting! He came here again!'_

Kiyone exclaims that '_He's the man that was hiding out behind our barracks last week!' _and looks to Mahiru, who nods in approval. Isane is silently fretting over her sister, torn between calming her down and smacking her upside her head. Momo is successfully engaging in conversation with Nemu, who has been here the entire time but is just now mentioned for plot convenience.

The nature of their conversation remains unknown.

The slam of two objects colliding pushes the room into silence. The whole SWA direct their attention to the two other members in the room who weren't involved in their conversation. Rangiku pulls her hand away from her now empty sake cup, a small smirk growing on her face. Mahiru shares the same smirk, letting her eyes roam over the group while she runs dark fingers through her hair. The two share a look before letting the rest of the SWA in on their plan.

"We've got an idea that you all might like." Mahiru elbows Rangiku in the side, beckoning her to continue.

"We'll start our own magazine."

* * *

Ukitake Jushiro is feeling very happy today. It's not that he doesn't feel happy everyday but it's just something about today that keeps his smile glued to his face and a warm feeling in his chest.

His tuberculosis hasn't flared up in a while and that was always a WIN in his book. Kiyone and Sentaro are out on a mission, so no bothersome third seats to wait on him hand and foot. Now don't get Ju-Ju Bean wrong, he enjoys their company but sometimes they could be too overbearing for their own good. He and Mahiru have completed their paperwork ahead of schedule so the day is free and his best friend Shunsui is slacking off with him.

Not that he should be slacking off because he already does that enough and poor Nanao already has her own work to do. When he gets back she'll probably, how do they say it in the world of the living? Ichigo had told him one time (more like yelled it since he and Renji were arguing in his office. Why they were in there, he will never know).Oh yes now he recalls it, _tear him a new one._

The two best friends sit in the office under a comfortable silence, each man in his own thoughts. Jushiro snaps out of his reveries and reaches over his desk to pour himself a cup of green tea. The piping hot tea burns his mouth so he sits it back down and begins to blow the steam off the cup. Sometimes, Jushiro loves lazy days like this.

"Are you still considering that offer from a few days ago?" Shunsui questions. He reclines back in Mahiru's chair and props his feet up on her desk. The little lady isn't here today so she wouldn't mind if he used it for a little while. As long as he doesn't leave scuff marks, he's fine.

Jushiro violently chokes on his tea. "Of c-course not! I w-would never do something like that Shunsui." He sputters and sulks into his green tea. A slow smile crawls onto Kyoraku's face as he leers at Ukitake over his cup of sake.

"Really now? The blush on your face tells me otherwise." Really Shunsui, have you no shame?

You see earlier in the week, Rangiku Matsumoto had dropped by to deliver some paperwork that needed Ukitake-taicho's approval. He accepted the work and thanked her, expecting her to leave, instead the busty second seat sauntered over to Mahiru and chatted her up for a while. Jushiro thought nothing of the exchange until he heard about whipped cream, body parts, penguins and lewd giggles and decided that he _didn't want to know._

Rangiku sauntered back over to his desk (apparently that's the only way she knows how to walk) and slapped down a magazine in front of the bewildered captain. He saw a dark look in her eyes that day and in Mahiru's when he glanced over to her for help. Jushiro didn't think he'd make it out of there alive that day.

"_We need a centerfold for our magazine and you're it!"_

Ukitake shudders at the memory. How could Shunsui even ask if he would do something like that? It's already bad enough that he was scantily clad for those trading cards but the centerfold of a women's magazine is completely different. Jushiro could just feel the shame and embarrassment, making heat rise to his face and Shunsui chuckle at him. Good thing Mahiru just barged into the office or he'd be fighting this battle alone.

The dark haired lieutenant makes her way over to her captain's desk, with Rangiku right behind her. She spares a glance at her own and feels her eye twitch. Captain Kyoraku has his feet up on her desk so nonchalantly and she just cleaned that thing yesterday. He'd better not leave scuff marks on it or she'd be paying Nanao a visit. Jushiro cocks an eyebrow at his lieutenant's obvious dislike for Shunsui's favorite position (that sounds so dirty) but jumps when something is slammed down in front of him.

Not this again. "Mahiru, what is-"

The golden eyed lieutenant smiles at him. "It's already been decided, captain. We need a centerfold and you're the perfect candidate."

Rangiku joins the fray, after getting some much needed sake from Shunsui. "Exactly! We would've asked my captain but he's too young for this kind of thing. Besides, no one else wants to do it."

Shunsui's lazy smile falters. Is he not in the room right now? Has he been off the radar

for so long that he's not even _considered _for these kinds of practices? Has he lost his gentle touch with the female population the older he gets? This is his field so of course he's the perfect candidate! He wouldn't say Jushiro's not…experienced, but he's just so damn innocent sometimes. Why can't he be considered?

Shunsui's silent pleas go unheard.

Mahiru and Rangiku exchange looks as Jushiro politely refuses their offer once more. Looks like it was time to call in the big guns now. Without warning, two members of the Stealth Force-both female-appear in Squad 13's office. Rangiku and Mahiru step to the side and watch as they bodily drag a confused and questioning Jushiro out of the office

and towards the SWA headquarters. Mahiru collects the magazine off her captain's desk and the pair follow suit, giggling madly over the whole ordeal.

All the while, Shunsui mourns his lost sex appeal.


	19. Public Service Announcement

Did you guess right?

Disclaimer-I do not own Bleach nor make any profit from it. I'm just borrowing Kubo Tite-san's characters for a while for a little fun. I'll have them back before curfew.

* * *

**The Handbook of Central 46**

_Public Service Announcement_

This is a public service announcement.

It has come to our attention (several times) that a man of unknown origins is stalking out the barracks of the Gotei 13; all of the barracks.

We are happy to report that the man has been apprehended by the Stealth Force.

At 5:26 am this morning, the man was seen loitering around the barracks of Squad Six conversing with a lower level shinigami. On the initial spotting, the man fled the scene, successfully eluding the Stealth Force for 6 minutes. At 5:32 am, the man was cornered at Squad Six's training grounds and taken into custody.

As of now, the man is being held within the Squad One holding cells, facing interrogation from Captain Soi Fon. Shortly, we will know what his intentions are for infiltrating the Soul Society. All records of the man's patterns and whereabouts shall be turned in to Squad One lieutenant Sasakibe Chojiro for review before being handed in to Captain Soi Fon.

_**All second seats are required to attend the interrogations, as their information is mandatory in the investigation of this man.**_

There will also be bi-weekly meetings to discuss the current safety issues that face the Seireitei at this moment, such as the proper protocol for guard changing. It is because of our lack of protection that this man managed to slip under our radar. Let this be a lesson to every shinigami that is reading this; we must work on improving our defensive strategies. This will **NOT** happen again.

Substitute soul reaper Ichigo Kurosaki, your father is in a world of trouble.


	20. Official Interrogation

Seriously, this just had to be done.

Disclaimer-I do not own Bleach nor make any profit from it. I'm just borrowing Kubo Tite-san's characters for a while for a little fun. I'll have them back before curfew.

* * *

**The Handbook of Central 46**

_This document retains the recordings from the interrogation of the shrouded intruder that has been identified as the substitute soul reaper Ichigo Kurosaki's father. Warning, some of the language below may disturb and offend._

* * *

**EDIT: The Shinigami Women's Association is now sending out a sign-up sheet for our newest magazine, Sexy Seireitei: Ladies Night. So if you want a copy, be sure to sign the paper that is attached to this notice~**

**EDIT 2: Stop advertising on these notices, Rangiku. These are important documents.**

**EDIT 3: Awww, but why not captain? Are you jealous that you can't be in our magazine~? (This is just a draft anyway)**

**EDIT 4: R-Rangiku! Don't utter such nonsense! I would never be apart of that smut!**

**EDIT 5: Yeah I guess you're right. Maybe when you're older you can be featured. You'll be sexy ripe for picking~!**

**EDIT 6: R-RA-RANGIKU!**

* * *

To say that Ichigo Kurosaki is not in a good mood would be the understatement of the century.

Of course the orange haired teenager is almost always annoyed in the least, because not only are his teenage years filled with awkward moments (Orihime's always looking at him funny) and inappropriate experiences (Why doesn't Yoruichi like to wear clothes? Damn it, THE IMAGES!) but nowadays, they've been filled with supernatural beings from another dimension who use supernatural weapons that can do some of the craziest shit to destroy supernatural monsters that want to kill you and eat your soul. Of course normal humans can't see any of this.

So no he wasn't just mad, oh no he was FUCKING PISSED.

(Caps lock was needed for that one)

Why Ichigo is mad however, is a new concept in itself. Right now he is in the Seireitei, in some dark and cliché‚ interrogation room, sitting at a metal table and glaring at a wall. He's not alone in the room however, because the second seats of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads are happily keeping him company. Ichigo doesn't mind any of the lieutenants, he's on friendly terms with all of them, it's just that he doesn't know why he's here.

And if Renji doesn't stop kicking his chair, Ichigo might have to lay the redhead out.

The shinigami substitute props an arm on the table and drops his chin into his palm, casually yawning. When the hell was this thing going to start anyway? He lazily glances around the table at the second seats, observing their behavior. Rangiku, Nanao and Mahiru seem to be in some kind of conversation that's got Rangiku animated over on his right. To the far left is Momo and Nemu, the former who's talking to Chojiro while the latter quietly strokes a banana.

Yeah, he'll just pretend he didn't see that.

To his immediate left are Izuru, Renji and Shuuhei, the three idiots Ichigo needs to be the most wary of. Those three are the most dangerous out of all the lieutenants because they are the ones who aren't afraid to pull a practical joke or two on their unsuspecting peers. Ichigo scoots his chair away from the group slowly but surely; they're plotting something and he won't be apart of it.

Renji needs to stop kicking his damn chair.

Rangiku's still going on about something and is trying to convince Nanao and Mahiru of something but the two ignore whatever she's saying and hold their own conversation. So they're just going to ignore her like that? Ichigo chuckles at the thought, catching Rangiku's attention. The strawberry blonde shoots an ice blue-tinted glare at him and the human shuts up; he isn't in the mood for Toshiro's mouth.

Ichigo sits back in his seat and huffs. When the hell was this thing gonna start anyway? He's been sitting in this room long enough and he's ready to go. Why isn't anyone coming in to talk with him? Why is he here anyway? All he knows is one minute he's in his room doing homework with Chad, Orihime and Uryu and the next minute Rukia's jumping through his window shouting at him in English and dragging him out of his room.

That damn midget; she's always finding ways to barge into his room. She's always trying to weasel her way into his closet too, something that he'll never understand.

What the hell is so special about his damn closet anyways? It's just a damn closet. What normal person wants to live in a damn closet? Well if it's a walk-in closet-wait. Why is he even thinking about this? This is all Rukia's fault, damn it. A tap on the shoulder brings Ichigo back to reality.

"DAMN IT RUKIA, YOU`RE NOT LIVING IN MY CLOSET!"

The room grows silent.

The orange haired teen is standing up from his seat, palms pressing into the cold metal of the table and chest heaving. Damn that Rukia. His brown eyes quickly dart over the faces in the room; everyone is looking at him. The lieutenants are all giving the human varying looks of strangeness, from confusedly amused to questioningly disturbed.

Why would Rukia want to be in Ichigo's closet?

After the initial shock and small burst of adrenaline wore off, Ichigo's embarrassment kicked in. His face colors a furious crimson and he frowns; that was not meant to be said aloud.

As he reaches behind him to take his seat, he catches a gaze with Rangiku. GREAT. The look in her eyes is unreadable but considering what just happened, Ichigo knows she isn't thinking pure thoughts. Rangiku opens her mouth to say something but someone beats her to the punch; that and because Nanao and Mahiru cover her mouth with their hands.

"Ruki-bunny sleeps in your closet Ichi?" Yachiru squeaks, throwing her arms in the air.

Her voice is coming from Ichigo's immediate right side; RIGHT FUCKING THERE. It takes all of Ichigo's willpower to not squeal and fall out of his chair but he fails, squeals and falls out of his chair. Yachiru stands above him flailing her arms and squealing, she can't handle herself. Once they decide Rangiku is under control, Nanao and Mahiru release her.

Mahiru turns in her seat and gives Ichigo a pointed look. Obviously this new development doesn't please the dark-skinned lieutenant one bit and she frowns at Ichigo. "You let Rukia sleep in your closet?"

The substitute soul reaper settles himself in his seat and turns away from Mahiru's stare. He's not even looking at her yet he can feel her golden glare clawing into his soul and his embarrassment comes back. His face flushes a dark red because Mahiru's just STARING at him and girls love STARING at people, especially staring at him. This is seriously uncomfortable because she's still STARING at him.

Maybe she's waiting for an answer? Yeah, that' s it! Answer the damn question, dumbass.

Ichigo gathers a little courage to look Mahiru in the eye. "I-I've offered her our guest room but she just wants to sleep in my damn closet. Ask her why."

Mahiru's left eye twitches slightly but the intensity of her glare decreases tremendously and the human breathes a sigh of relief he didn't know he was holding; the beast is satisfied. Ichigo sits back in his seat and runs an anxious hand through his short orange hair; this seriously needs to start already.

Renji needs to seriously stop kicking his chair, seriously.

It's with this chair kicking thought of Renji that Ichigo gets an idea. His sudden thought causes him to fly out of his chair and startles the idle and chatting lieutenants. All this time he could have known but he's such an idiot that he didn't think to ask. Why didn't he do this at the beginning of the chapter?

"What's up with you today Ichigo?" Shuuhei questions, watching the substitute soul reaper with a wary glance; he's so jumpy today, well more jumpy than usual. Ichigo frowns at Shuuhei, then turns his brown eyes towards the rest of the lieutenants.

"Why am I here again?" He blurts out. He has a feeling Rukia told him but he couldn't tell over the midget's shouting in English. All the second seat eyes focus on him as the room falls into silence; Ichigo feels awkward.

A lone voice breaks through the silence. "We require information from you, Kurosaki Ichigo." Nanao's lone voice answers, her tone blunt and straight to the point.

"You are here regarding the interrogation of your father, Kurosaki Isshin."

Ichigo's mind blanks; his face must reflect this because all the lieutenants are giving him strange looks again.

His dad?

In the Soul Society?

WHAT.

As in the dimension that they are currently residing in?

WUT?

This. Does. Not. Compute.

It's times like these that make Ichigo want to crawl into a corner, roll into fetal position and DIE. His father has to embarrass him in this dimension too? His father is a jerk; an annoying, pointlessly-violent-towards-his-own-son jerk who needs to stick to his day job and just be _regular_. Why can't he have a regular dad? His life would be so much better and less stressful if he just had a _regular_ dad who did regular things and had a _regular_ job supporting his _regular_ lifestyle.

If it wasn't for his-wait, how did his dad get into Soul Society? Did he finally just up and die on him? What about Yuzu and Karin? Ichigo drops his head onto the table and groans, _`Fuck my life'_. The scene would have been more dramatic if Renji hadn't kicked his chair again.

Damn it Renji.

* * *

"You will tell us what we want to know."

"Will I now.?"

"You shall answer all questions in a `yes' or `no' format, plain and simple. No elaborations unless prompted."

"I can't guarantee that."

Soi Fon grunts and stands back against the wall; this is going to piss her off. Rubbing her temples, she wills away the forthcoming migraine she is sure that she'll get after dealing with this intruder and calms herself. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

"Is your name Kurosaki Isshin?"

"Of course it is!"

"Are you human?"

"Yes."

The two make brief eye contact and Soi Fon misses the mischievous glint in Isshin's eyes. "Are you a shinigami?"

Isshin offers Soi Fon a smirk. "Yes."

Soi Fon is not amused. "Have you ever communicated with a shinigami before?"

"I am right now."

Soi Fon's left eye twitches and her fists ball up around the papers in her hands; this bastard's going to get it. Before anything lethal could happen to Isshin, Shunsui steps in and does some major damage control.

"Look captain, I know you want straight answers from him, but he won't give `em. I'm real familiar with his type of character, so just let me and Ju-Ju Bean have a stab at him and we'll get you something good."

Soi Fon glares up at the captain of Squad 8. This bastard, he'll just laugh along and joke with this ryoka but Jushiro will be with him.

At the thought of Jushiro's name, Soi Fon's face colors and she turns her head away from Shunsui. "Fine, do what you will but remember that I will be watching." Shunsui nods and the smaller captain leaves the room.

Captain Kyoraku turns back towards Isshin and the two lock eyes. They study each other's demeanor and body language, taking in all the unique and interesting features the other has. Eye color, hair color, hair texture, bone structure, current choice of clothing. The two stare each other down for a good ten minutes before Shunsui breaks the connection by blinking.

And the two burst into a fit of roaring laughter.

Jushiro stands back and watches this exchange take place. These two seem so much alike, analogous souls but different in certain aspects of their personalities. The white haired captain pinches the bridge of his nose; if these two are so much alike as he suspects they are, this interrogation is going to prove problematic.

Shunsui and Isshin come down from their observational high and calm their roaring laughter into simmering chuckles. The captain of the eighth division stands back and wipes a wandering tear from his eyes, he hasn't laughed like that with a stranger in a long time. Isshin mimics Shunsui's actions, reflecting back on the earlier actions with a smile. This is going to be good.

"You seem like a rational guy Isshin, and I think we'd get along fine under other situations." Shunsui speaks with a calm smile. He stands in front of the table Isshin sits behind and picks at the fringe of his straw hat idly. Isshin sits back in his seat with a lazy smile.

"We probably would, maybe we should try it one day."

Shunsui's eyes flicker to the ryoka. "That sounds peachy."

Jushiro interrupts their easy conversation with a rude clearing of his throat. He didn't want to do it but Soi Fon is standing outside watching them with a piercing gleam in her eyes like she knows that they aren't talking about what they should be talking about. Jushiro feels a little unnerved by the expression on smaller captain's face (not only that but the fact that she can't make full eye contact with him without blushing a furious crimson concerns him.)

Captain Kyoraku sighs at his best friend's intervention; he swears Ju-Ju Bean gets his techniques from his lovely little Nanao. Sadly, he's here to do a job and he promised Soi Fon that he'd get the job done, he'd rather not face the wrath of the second division's taicho again this week.

"Enough with the pleasantries folks." Shunsui stands up straight and places his hat back on his head. "I want you to be real with me Isshin, all jokes aside. What made you break into the Soul Society?"

Isshin chuckles a little, but the laugh sounds hollow. "Lots of reasons."

"Answer the question."

Isshin sighs as he looks up at Shunsui; he knew he couldn't dodge this question forever. Obviously they want an answer and looks like he'll be giving them one.

"You want the truth? Well, here's my answer. I came here to talk to-"

The door to the interrogation room bursts open, sending the poor door flying off its hinges. The room goes silent as the three occupants in the room jump at the intrusion and look to see who it is that dared to interrupt this session. In the doorway stands the substitute soul reaper Ichigo Kurosaki and he doesn't look too happy. His Zangetsu is secured firmly in his right hand and there is a murderous glint in his chocolate colored eyes. Soi Fon stands behind him, smirking at Isshin because the bastard deserves this ass kicking for being so damn infuriating.

At the sight of his son, Isshin opens his arms wide for a hug. "Ichigo my boy, come show daddy some love~!"

His efforts are thwarted by a foot to the face.

Shunsui, Jushiro and Soi Fon watch as Ichigo beats the living daylights out of his father, all while screaming horrible obscenities towards him and repeating the question that's on everyone's minds: _"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO THE SOUL SOCIETY?" _After 45 minutes, the three captains have seen enough and they break up the (mostly one-sided) fight between father and son. Ichigo is walked back to the waiting room where the lieutenants are while Shunsui and Jushiro attempt to continue the interrogation.

Sadly, Isshin is not in good enough shape to continue, so they are forced to call in Captain Unohana for his treatment. She volunteers to get the information out of him about his reasons for entering Soul Society and asks for the eighth and thirteenth captains to leave with a gentle smile. The two comply and leave without any words because they don't want to know what Unohana is about to do. Hopefully she can do better than what little they did because all they got was _"talk to Yamamoto" _and _"mozzarella sticks"_.

As the best friends make their way towards squad two's barracks, they pass the room where the lieutenants are being held. A ruckus from inside catches their attention and Shunsui stops to eavesdrop.

Jushiro does not approve. "Shunsui, what are you doing?" The brunette shushes him with a wave of his hand.

The accompanying crashes and bangs alert Shunsui and Jushiro that something is going down in that room and Shunsui doesn't like it because his little Nanao could be caught in the crossfire but she's smart so she'll get out of the way, plus she's got Mahiru in there with her so she'll be alright. Jushiro resolves to handle the situation himself so with a sigh, he grabs Shunsui's arm and drags him off. A lone voice echoes out behind them.

"DAMN IT RENJI, STOP KICKING MY FUCKING CHAIR!"

* * *

AN: I don't know.


	21. Afterword

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Disclaimer- I do not own Bleach nor make any profit from it. I'm just borrowing Kubo Tite-san's characters for a while for a little fun. I'll have them back before curfew.

* * *

**The Handbook of Central 46**

_Afterword_

If you are reading this paragraph at this moment, you have taken the time to read and comprehend the summary of this rulebook. We thank you for your time and interest in this manual.

For the captains reading this, we are thankful for your interest, but this manual is not for you. As stated in the foreword of this manual, a captain's manual is in the works and will cover the necessary protocol of your rank.

For the lieutenants reading this, we are glad that you read through the whole entirety of this book. It is necessary that we break down the correct and proper ways a person of your rank should behave. It is important to explain the proper behavior of your rank in order to show the lower ranking members what they are not supposed to do.

As stated in the first paragraph on the first page, this handbook is solely for the purpose of correcting the irrational and negative behavior of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. In no way, shape or form should the rules in this handbook be seen as a cheap attempt at humor.

All of the rules in this book have been created from the day-to-day observations of the lieutenants of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, recording their irrational and intolerable behavior. We hope to have corrected these behaviors in order to preserve the reputation of the Thirteen Court Guard squads. The improper and reprehensible conduct reported in this manual will NOT be tolerated and any other member of the Thirteen Court Guard who believe they can reproduce any of these actions will be dealt with by Central 46.

The language in this manual is clear and precise and the interchangeable terms that were used were explained clearly. If there are any questions/comments concerning the information inside this handbook, they shall be directed towards Sasakibe-fukutaicho, lieutenant of Squad One. This handbook shall become an annual entity and Sasakibe-fukutaicho is now the head editor of this handbook.

Once again, thank you for your patience and concern.

Captains, your handbook is next.


End file.
